Sunday, 17 April 2016

Contemplating life as a Mum of two - my fears and worries.

This has been playing on my mind for sometime now, ever since I found out I was pregnant with number two it's bothered me. In fact, it's bothered me so much I ended up in tears because I was petrified. It may sound silly or to you it may not be worth crying over - bearing in mind that I am a hormonal pregnant lady - to me it was a big deal and still is - I also know for sure I am not the only Mother to have felt this way.

When I decided to become a Mother I was so excited about the prospect of having a child and the bond I expected to have with her. When she arrived it was safe to say that those feelings far surpassed my expectations, I was completely overwhelmed with love for her. I never could have anticipated just how strong those feelings were and as time has gone on, as she's gotten older and as her personality has grown, those feelings continue to intensify. 

What I didn't anticipate, however, was the predicament I am currently in now. Maybe predicament is the wrong word? Whatever word is appropriate, I find myself feeling nervous and on edge about the prospect of what having another child might do our relationship as Mother and Daughter. 

That sounds awful really when you think about it but in all honestly I have struggled to feel broody, or clucky in anticipation of the arrival of baby number two. Don't get me wrong it's not that I'm not excited about its imminent arrival. It's more the fact that this time around I find myself having to deal with a lot of other feelings and emotions that I didn't experience when I was pregnant with Ella. I suppose it doesn't help that I'm constantly preoccupied with an energetic toddler who takes up all of my spare time. This does not leave much room for daydreaming about delicious little newborn cuddles.

Ella has gotten to the age now where she calls me Mum and she comes to me of her own accord for a hug and a kiss. When I'm in the kitchen preparing lunch or dinner she'll come up behind me and wrap her arms around my legs. We have such a strong bond now that I worry how it will be affected when I have a newborn that requires more attention and care than Ella needs. I understand that Ella's bond with her Dad will strengthen but a part of me is terrified at the thought of whether we will lose our bond.

I know I am probably being completely irrational but it's something that's been playing on my mind ever since I found out I was pregnant. Another part of me worries about how much Ella will miss out on when she is no longer the only child. Will she pick up on that? Will she think that she's not important anymore? or will she think that Mummy doesn't have as much time for her anymore? 

At the end of the day, I'm sure she will be fine. I know that it's just my thoughts getting the better of me and my brain working on overdrive (as it does). I think it comes down to, in part, my selfish need for her to need me as her Mother and for her to look to me as the nurturer. 

I'm fully aware that this post is full of rhetorical questions that no one could possibly answer. I fully understand that no one could answer these questions in a way that will satisfy me until I find out for myself when baby number 2 arrives. It could be that I love Ella so much and my heart is so filled with love for her that i question how could I possibly love another so much? The logical part of my brain knows that these questions are ridiculous. Maybe i can take some comfort in knowing that my heart has so much more love to give. If i didn't know that my heart has so much room to love, why else did I yearn to have another baby?

Maybe these are irrational fears that all Mothers face at some point in their lives. I know for a fact that my own Mother and Father feel just as much love for me as they have felt for my younger Sister. Maybe the answers to my questions lie in the fact that the human heart is forever expanding to accommodate for new loves that may not have existed before.

Tuesday, 12 April 2016

NEW RECIPE | Brown Butter Cinnamon Crinkle Cookies

It's been awhile since I've had the energy to do any baking, it always involves so much cleaning - just something I haven't been able to think about - but I saw these "Brown Butter Cinnamon Crinkle Cookies" the other day over on Cookies and Cups and they looked too good to not to give them a try!

They don't take very long to do, I managed to do them even with Ella tugging on my sleeves - as she seems to do even more frequently these days.

They were actually quite tasty, a different sort of flavour and texture unlike your typical cookie.

So, here you go...

Brown Butter Cinnamon Crinkle Cookies

You will need:

10 tablespoons butter (roughly 142 grams)
2½ cups all purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
½ teaspoon kosher salt
1 cup granulated sugar
¼ cup light brown sugar
2 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla
½ cup icing sugar

1. Place the butter in a saucepan. Cook over medium heat until the butter melts and begins to foam. Continue to cook, whisking (or swirling the pan) frequently until the butter becomes an amber color, this should take 2-3 minutes. Remove the pan from the heat and allow it to cool slightly.

2. Whisk together the flour, baking powder, cinnamon and salt. Set aside.

3. Add the granulated and brown sugar into the bowl of your stand mixer fitted with the paddle attachment. Pour the cooled butter into the sugars and mix on medium speed to combine. Add in the eggs and vanilla, mixing just until smooth.

4. Turn the mixer to low and slowly add in the flour mixture until just incorporated. Cover the mixing bowl and refrigerate for at least 1 hour.

5. Preheat the oven to 180 degrees celsius.

6. Line a baking sheet with a silicone mat or parchment paper. Set aside.

7. Place the icing in a shallow bowl. Divide the chilled dough into 1- tablespoon sized balls. Roll each ball into the powdered sugar and place onto the prepared pan, about 2- inches apart.

8. Bake for 10-12 minutes or until the cookies are set.

9. Allow the cookies to cool on the pan for a few minutes before transferring them to a wire rack to finish cooling.


These are so tasty and so worth the cleaning down!

Wednesday, 6 April 2016

Pregnancy update - 20 weeks - the halfway mark

As I announced my pregnancy fairly late this time round, I decided that it would be good to do a general pregnancy update as we are now officially at the halfway mark!

I am 20 weeks today and due with baby number 2 on the 24th of August 2016.

This pregnancy has similarities to when I was pregnant with Ella but it also differs.

Symptoms so far:

- Morning sickness up until 17 weeks with bouts of nausea in the evenings still.
- Lower back pain
- Ligament pain
- Tiredness
- Tender stomach and boobs
- Breaking out in spots

Much the same as Ella except morning sickness finished at 15 weeks with no continuing nausea, although I think the reason I'm still feeling nauseous at times is because I'm tired all the time - thanks to having a toddler which I didn't have the first time round, I should have appreciated my toddler free pregnancy way more!


Weight before pregnancy: 55kgs
Weight currently: 61kgs

As you can see I've already gained 6kgs at 20 weeks and I'm under strict instructions (from my OB) to not exceed anymore than 12kgs in total - unlike last time where I gained 20!


We had our 20 week anatomy scan on Monday and according to the Sonographer baby looked well and is growing accordingly. We are not finding out the sex this time around - although not my choice - so this one will be a surprise! The organiser/planner/surprise hater in me is finding it quite difficult not knowing but I promised my Husband that if we found out the first time he could have his surprise the second time around.

The scan took a maximum of 50mins which was so different with Ella who wouldn't stop wriggling and kicking in her anatomy scan, so much so the scan took over 2 hours! It seems this baby is so much more relaxed.

I started to feel movement and little baby kicks - totally the best part of pregnancy - at about 19 weeks as I have an anterior placenta which means baby is well covered and it's harder to feel movement.

I have met with my Midwife twice so far and everything is tracking much the same as last time. This time, however, I have met with and Obstetrician at the Hospital to discuss my options to try for a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Caesarean) as you will know that Ella ended up as an emergency c-section due to lack of progress and dilation.

They don't see why I can't try again for a natural birth but I have been told that I will be birthing at the Hospital (rather than a birthing unit) and if I don't progress (cervix dilation) at an active rate then a c-section will happen a lot quicker - as Syntocinon won't be given this time due to the possibility of my scar rupturing.

I also have to watch my weight in hopes of not having another 8lbs+ baby - which will make a natural labour, for me, more possible!


All and all, everything is heading along nicely, I'm feeling pretty good just with the odd twinge and minor discomfort. I can't quite believe I'm already at the halfway mark!

In 20 weeks I'll have another newborn and I'll be a Mother to two-under-two! Eeep!